Death of a laptop

Now I am going to be honest with you because I think I can trust you my close internet friends, that I have never met and never even comment, I want to be a writer. I would love to write as a career, I would prefer to write more erotic friend fiction but for now blogging is a pass time. I have finally started to enjoy writing again and I got a table so I can use my laptop the proper way and not burn the crap out of my legs and sweat out my lady junk. I am sad to say this is all for not though as my laptop is dying a painful drawn out death.
      IF any of you want to give me a laptop I will not say no, but as I doubt that is going to happen I am on a search for a good laptop that is not a mac and not $10000000. I most likely will have to go through a place that will let me pay off it in pieces but the search is on. Any help would be great. Either way my blogging and vlogging may be a bit spastic as even just getting to you today took 20 minutes, If not for my total love of talking to strangers this may not have happened. I am not going to make excuses I am just going to do the best I can for you my reader.
   Talk soon... I hope!

Breast envy

     The last time I could go out in public without my breasts hanging down so low was my eighth grade awards. I wore a very risk-ay black backless top and a long black skirt. I had been a "lucky one" that had bloomed into womanhood early. Truly I didn't understand what this meant until a few years later trying to find a bathing suit top. I was still quite thin at that time BUT finding something that fit my chesticles was a feat.
    I know that there are many woman that are thinking stop gloating, you are lucky to have big natural boobs. Please, let me explain. I am happy with my body, but if I had a choice, and it didn't cost thousands of dollars to do, I would have at these two sizes smaller of breast. I grew up in the first time of backless shirts, as noted but I really never got a chance to enjoy it and now it is bandus and see through tops and this is pretty much the last few years I can wear trendy clothes without looking a bit like that person that should move from the juniors to at least the misses section, why do we have three sections for clothing choices? Men get one, which is not always a good thing but still why do women have to have sections that tell them which clothes for which age? That is so ridiculous! Anyway, even if I was a single digit size wearing the trends would not be an option for me.

    The price of a big chest

    This is just the superficial reason I am tired of these melons there is also the back pain that I feel so often when I don't have it plaguing me it is like I am in heaven. Not to mention the laying on my back could be considered a suicide attempt, no really they come at your face and not total disregard for your well being. I would also like to mention that finding a bra that does not look like something out of a 50's sear store is soooo hard or over priced. I bought two bras the other day and spent $65. One with a smaller chest could go to kmart and buy 3 cute underwire bras for $15. Yes, it is more fabric but that is still $27 mark up!

    Let us talk the societal view. 

One I only have big boobs because I am over weight.  This is me a size 6 at my high school graduation.

True, my chest would not be as HUGE as it is now if I were that size BUT I would still be in the double letter group just a smaller number.

Two, women with large breasts are stupid or lack intelligence. NO....

Three, women with large chests can use their boobs to get whatever they want. HAHA! Well maybe, if wanted to use my boobs for evil I could BUT that stems from the fact that we are only acknowledged by our chest by many men, and some women. This myth honestly also leads to the forth point I have that we are normal woman and not bitches based on our chests. Boobs do not make a personality how one is raised and taught does.

    My sister with smaller chest rejoice that you save money and avoid douche waffles much more than the big chested girl and also remember we want to be your friend and do not judge us by the big lumps of fat on our chest but by our personality. Now if that is bad I don't blame you if you don't want to be that rude person's friend.


Have a good one all.

Damn being a fatty

     I have not been in single digit sized clothing since my early teens but have tried off and on to be that thin girl I wanted to look like. Yes, almost all my tries were half-assed thanks for pointing that out dick but as I am moving towards what I consider adulthood, the 20's are for playing and the 30's are to be adult well an adult at times if need be and no other adult is in the room to supervisor, I know that my body is going to be less and less forgiving and if I do get to a healthy weight and to my goal size my next endeavor will be to get to my financial goal for the surgery I am going to need for my slagging boobs and extra skinned tummy.
     Yes, starting a new diet is hard but for me that has always been pretty easy. I mean I could start four diets or health regimes in one day and plan the whole thing down to the calorie but that damn bitch follow through is always walking away when I need her ass to back me you. She came through once but backed out only 2 pant sizes away for my dream size.
    I am now back on the wagon and watching shows that make me want to look good for my wedding, don't judge my say yes to the dress asshole. While doing so I am doing 200 squats or chugging 100 oz of water, half what I believe my weight to be and this is not a new adventure I got out gluten a few months ago, my fiance is help for this because the weird mood swings and horrible panic attacks are all but gone until I eat a piece of pizza, damn weakness, still I am not see the results like the last time. The kicker is the diet I know but I was living, used so loosely, on 1200 kcal a day and only awake to do my squats while cooking for dinner or at work. It was a killer.
   I will soldier for now as this fat chick but by God, even if I am not a fan of his, I will get to my goal weight and size, and yes I know sizes differ and that size does not tell fitness level and such, before my dream wedding. 

Get stupid

"The smarter a woman is the harder it is for her to find a good man." - Unknown

      I just binge listened to The Fault in Our Stars for the second time. As I listened to this sad tale about life I thought of my own story with disease. My story is one I will save BUT I did also think of the amazing intelligence of this novel. I know that there are some that say this is not the way "normal" teenagers speak but I remembered my teenage years and for a long while I did actually speak much like Hazel, I did not have that much wit but I could hold and creative and well-informed conversations. What has changed you may ask. Why did I go from an avid news watcher, current event knowledge center and all-in-all smart woman?
It is two fold the first being simple and the second a bit more complex.

One

 You are the company you keep. 

      In my early years of my teens I was the typical teen worrying about friends, fun and boys. It was very uneventful but as things changed and I lost and gained friends people came into my life that were much more interested in more than boys and the "normal things" and wanted to make a mark in the world, many did. As I fell more into this crowd I wanted to be on the same level and pushed myself to get top grade, know the facts of the day and moments of the year. The people in my helped me move toward finding my voice but the great wave of hormones could only be held back but the levy for so long until they would break down those internal walls.  As this happened I my want to be the best changed into just the want to be liked. Of course there was still a want to do well and still know what is going on in the world around me BUT I found high school boys often are not worrying if their girlfriends can write or talk current events as much as they cared how good they looked perched on their arm and how much it would cost to get them into bed. This is when the decline began.

Two

Silent does not get ridiculed (Often)

     Towards the end of high school I had found that pretending to be dingy was all in good but not the thing for me, really. If a person did not like that I had an opinion and knowledge that was their problem. I followed this train of thought into college until I was almost 19. This golden last year in the teens so many things changed in my life I had lost the strong backing of my family. They had moved and took with them the questions of the goings on in the world. My adopted family often was too burdened about the here and now in our home to concern themselves with others woes. The biggest kicked however was the constant taring down by "friends". My childhood had been quite sheltered and much that had learned was in those short 4(ish) years and I knew that I was not an expert on any subject. Nonetheless I was brought up to the "big leagues" as my boyfriend at the time had had many overly educated friends. I know that if baseball or football came up I would stand a change on being the expect on the subject BUT those never came up. As subjects were tossed around and worked through I found often should I mention anything I got dirty looks, scoffs OR rude corrections that how could I even say something so asinine. These had been people had gone to school in the short years before and thought for some foolish reason that they would kind as they were classified as nerds, intellectuals and brainy honor-roll. This assumption was so wrong as only one person was not condescending to me the simpleton. This is when I found that I would rather be happy in knowing the basics of the world and be happy in my life and forget those that believe but having more awareness about a subject gave them some magic power the be rude to others.

      Now hearing this book I know that I was not the stereo typical teen but there are some that yes spoke and speak like this. I find I do miss having those conversations about transcendent categories. Time has taking that from me but,  I also love the chats and inside jokes I have with my friends and fiance. We may not be the brain trust that will solve all the worlds woes but we have our focuses. Be wise good reader and know that playing is good and fun BUT you never know when someone is really just PLAYING. 

PS The Fault in Our Stars is the work of John Green and I own no rights to it also it is a book I believe all should hear or read. DO IT!