Bread is the enemy or is it, you nut?

     I want to say I have NOT been tested for a gluten allergy and that is why I am writing this. I know that being gluten-free it the big "fad" diet of the year and I also know the test to get see if I am gluten intolerant is not cheap, well the medical test is. I did a little test of my own to see if gluten did anything to me. I suggest if you think you have a gluten allergy you do this too.
    My test is going to take a little on the long side but effective. One stop eating foods with gluten. Two endure the headaches and depression for a bit. The next week see how you feel? Are you happier? Do you feel the same? If you feel the same go back to eating gluten and how do you feel? IF you feel like crap there you go that is what gluten does to you. That simple.
    I shall give you myself as an example. I have had gluten 5 times since limiting it and the results are always the same. I eat bread or a cookie and feel fine. The second day I start to feel anxiety and a bit of anger. The third day I get extremely angry and raging. Working becomes very hard. The forth day I am ready to run someone over and quit my job and scream and cry, that of course all happens only in my minds eye. On the fifth day day I am back to happy crazy me.
     I do not make my gluten free life be a thing either. It is a thing only for me. I just try to eat something else and if there is on other option I can not eat or have some bread and know what is going to happen. I have read drinking more water helps gluten get out of the system faster but I rarely drink water so I don't know. Good luck either way.

My Life list (part 2) work in progress

     I thought about my life list for a good 2 minutes yesterday. It was a hard day and I had to focus work. I have a few things though and I will add to this as I think of more things but let us do this thang.

Life List thus far

1. Go to England and Scotland and France
2. Have a story of mine published
3. Be able to work from home and be comfortable with money
4. Buy a house with woods in the backyard. 
5. Be a size 6 (I am so vain singing in my head)
6. Have a "normal" wedding. 
7. Hike in Forest park.
8. Learn Russian and be fluent 
9. Go to Turkey and so where my dad came from
10. Travel New England and see Salem, Boston, New York, The Capital and Jamestown.
11. Visit Ekaterine Palace and The Winter Palace and see a Russian Ballet.
12. Meet Evgenia Obraztsova
13. Meet Jennifer Lawerence 
14. Finally have a house warming
15. Be in a movie 
16. Record a song 
17. Go to an Irish Traveller wedding
18. Stay in a castle 
19. Stay in a haunted House, preferably in the South or Salem or England
20. Leave flowers on Anne Boleyn's grave and Elizabeth I
21.  Be able to get on en pointe for a bit 
22. See the Red woods
23. Change someone's life for the better

Life list? (part 1)

    After reading, okay listening to, Lets Pretend this Never Happened by Jenny Lawson, you need to go read that btw, there was one part mentioned that I was like wha? A life list, what was it and how could some come up with that, also how could someone to sponcer it was thought two. Now, I have heard of bucket lists and honestly have not thought to make one and I do not want to think of death it will come on its own and does not need me fighting against it. but a life list. I, now find they are one in the same but with a life list sounding more like you are living life and a bucket list like a race to the finish.
   My lovely fiance does have a bucket list, since he was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis he has been compiling it. Now that I think about it I am not going to live forever and live everyday in fear of something happening to him so we should start on his bucket list and my life list so we can do as much together as possible. I am going to take today to think of what I want as my life list and come back to you lovely people with it later.

    Until than he is my fiance's

1. Grant a dying mans last wish
2. Explore England and Scotland
3. Buy or build our dream house
4. Get married with our friends and family

He now has stage fright soo I will add to this as he remembers. 

Breast envy

     The last time I could go out in public without my breasts hanging down so low was my eighth grade awards. I wore a very risk-ay black backless top and a long black skirt. I had been a "lucky one" that had bloomed into womanhood early. Truly I didn't understand what this meant until a few years later trying to find a bathing suit top. I was still quite thin at that time BUT finding something that fit my chesticles was a feat.
    I know that there are many woman that are thinking stop gloating, you are lucky to have big natural boobs. Please, let me explain. I am happy with my body, but if I had a choice, and it didn't cost thousands of dollars to do, I would have at these two sizes smaller of breast. I grew up in the first time of backless shirts, as noted but I really never got a chance to enjoy it and now it is bandus and see through tops and this is pretty much the last few years I can wear trendy clothes without looking a bit like that person that should move from the juniors to at least the misses section, why do we have three sections for clothing choices? Men get one, which is not always a good thing but still why do women have to have sections that tell them which clothes for which age? That is so ridiculous! Anyway, even if I was a single digit size wearing the trends would not be an option for me.

    The price of a big chest

    This is just the superficial reason I am tired of these melons there is also the back pain that I feel so often when I don't have it plaguing me it is like I am in heaven. Not to mention the laying on my back could be considered a suicide attempt, no really they come at your face and not total disregard for your well being. I would also like to mention that finding a bra that does not look like something out of a 50's sear store is soooo hard or over priced. I bought two bras the other day and spent $65. One with a smaller chest could go to kmart and buy 3 cute underwire bras for $15. Yes, it is more fabric but that is still $27 mark up!

    Let us talk the societal view. 

One I only have big boobs because I am over weight.  This is me a size 6 at my high school graduation.

True, my chest would not be as HUGE as it is now if I were that size BUT I would still be in the double letter group just a smaller number.

Two, women with large breasts are stupid or lack intelligence. NO....

Three, women with large chests can use their boobs to get whatever they want. HAHA! Well maybe, if wanted to use my boobs for evil I could BUT that stems from the fact that we are only acknowledged by our chest by many men, and some women. This myth honestly also leads to the forth point I have that we are normal woman and not bitches based on our chests. Boobs do not make a personality how one is raised and taught does.

    My sister with smaller chest rejoice that you save money and avoid douche waffles much more than the big chested girl and also remember we want to be your friend and do not judge us by the big lumps of fat on our chest but by our personality. Now if that is bad I don't blame you if you don't want to be that rude person's friend.


Have a good one all.

Those amazing people

      If you ask my step-father,  dad from here on, about a person most likely he will tell you exactly how they are related, it is a bit of a running joke between my mother and I. Met a person in Spain and dad is their cousin 20 generation back! Truly it is amazing how dad can talk to anyone at anytime and put them to ease but that is for another time. For me that is not quite the story. Throughout my short existence on this little blue rock I have had amazing people step in as replacements for people that I lack in my life and this has gone back to the previous generations in my family. Those people that are family not matter if there is a genetic link or not. This is not unique to my family either so many before us and so many after will take up the mantle that others have stepped away from or never took up to begin with. I just want to thank some of those people in my life.

     At the ripe old age of birth I came out a girl, not that I chose it but that is what happened I just never grew that little penis my birth father (not using this as a cold term it is JUST the best way to not confuse the story, from here on he will be called father) had been told I was cultivating. That day I met one person that I put above most of my relations, my uncle Jesse was my father's best friend in high school and a good friend to my mom. He knew that day that I would not be treated the same as if I was a boy and still he was there as an Uncle especially since my "biological" uncles were both very young at the time. As time went on Uncle Jesse became my dad's best friend in college. I got to be there for his wedding and grow up with his children. I am so lucky to have him and not to be over showed his wife is soooo amazing too. Aunt Wendy, who's birthday it is today, found out that I have a want to do gymnastics and helped encourage me and my parents to get me into a class. That want was short lived due to other reasons but even to this day she still tells me it is not that hard to get what I want do a little drive and determination. These two great people are so what the world needs!

    Dad

     2 years after that faithful day that I came into this funtastic world my mom met the man that I would one day call dad. They were both nerds that loved to act like dorks. From there on my dad was there to be the one to come to parent meetings, put up with me being a brat and a teenager. He has also helped encourage me to be the brightest and goofiest person I can be. He taught me to never let the world box me into a category I could and can be all I make of myself, even if right now it is just a college drop out working customer service at almost 30, ha.  If not for this man that took me as his own at 2 years old I would not be the awe inspiring person I am today. 

     Do you have anyone that is family that is not related? If some give them a thank you today and a shout out. If not for these people helping so many people would be worse for wear. Thank you all for come by see you later.  

Do you want to know and how would you feel knowing? (ADULT DISCUSSION)

     Last night, well super early this morning, my mind got to think and that is never a good sign after a LONG day. I happened to flip through the "premium" channels and find so of every young man's dream, if you grew up like me before the ease of the internet, and as I listened to Monica, name may be been changed to keep the innocent safe or it could be that I just don't remember the names as I was just passing through, talk to her dream boat and whatever set-up was used for this piece of "art," that is pretty tame compared to shows like The Tudors  or True Blood in the sex scene department and nudity, I thought two things that lead to many, first what do men think of women using them for their "private needs" and vice-verse and why is there such shaming around "private time"? Here are my thoughts.

 PRIVATE TIME

     For many years, like thousands, private time was not discussed just done in the privacy of the bath house or the farm house and it was not a thing for women at all. For men it was, of course, looked down on as it was a waste of perfectly good pre-baby and the world, and the church, could now have that especially in the times of 1 out of 8 children making it to adulthood, like that made up statistic? We  do now have that horrible reality under control but we still expect people to keep this private time well private. Now I am not asking the world to tell me when they have private time I am more talking about others disclosing their minds-eye during this time. 

    I know for many there is a bit more to it than moisten, massage repeat, but what is the more? Is there one person, a harem of people or just faceless bodies? Now even further what if a person told you that you were that minds-eye person? What would you say? How would you react? As a woman I only have one side to the story so in truth I want to know what you think so please note below, let us continue. I thought if a woman told a man that it would build his ego but it came to me down blanket statement.  

     Honestly, for me I am pretty sure that I would be flattered to a point. If I know you and I am not weirded out by you okay cool fine whatever, knowing is fine is it truly not a dying question as I am getting older. Now in my teens if a guy told me, on the D.L., do kids still say that?, and again not weirded out by him I would have silently cried huzzah I am not a leaper after all and worn a smile using that as my happy moment for most likely most if not all of my teen years. So men women are not dying to know BUT if you ask know her well enough to ask her thoughts on the subject and she says it is cool throw out the hypothetical what if someone told you that you were their in a way private time dream? See how she reactions and play accordingly. Never know may move to more than a dream *wink*

 

    I hope this finds someone that needs a smile, a laugh or a good thought, while having private time or not. Really though open your mind a little and remember we are all made to breed, yes we are the show dogs of higher thinking. If you are like me and not going to breed, no judging, but hey doesn't mean you can't enjoy the fun that comes with that part of the human anatomy.

Damn being a fatty

     I have not been in single digit sized clothing since my early teens but have tried off and on to be that thin girl I wanted to look like. Yes, almost all my tries were half-assed thanks for pointing that out dick but as I am moving towards what I consider adulthood, the 20's are for playing and the 30's are to be adult well an adult at times if need be and no other adult is in the room to supervisor, I know that my body is going to be less and less forgiving and if I do get to a healthy weight and to my goal size my next endeavor will be to get to my financial goal for the surgery I am going to need for my slagging boobs and extra skinned tummy.
     Yes, starting a new diet is hard but for me that has always been pretty easy. I mean I could start four diets or health regimes in one day and plan the whole thing down to the calorie but that damn bitch follow through is always walking away when I need her ass to back me you. She came through once but backed out only 2 pant sizes away for my dream size.
    I am now back on the wagon and watching shows that make me want to look good for my wedding, don't judge my say yes to the dress asshole. While doing so I am doing 200 squats or chugging 100 oz of water, half what I believe my weight to be and this is not a new adventure I got out gluten a few months ago, my fiance is help for this because the weird mood swings and horrible panic attacks are all but gone until I eat a piece of pizza, damn weakness, still I am not see the results like the last time. The kicker is the diet I know but I was living, used so loosely, on 1200 kcal a day and only awake to do my squats while cooking for dinner or at work. It was a killer.
   I will soldier for now as this fat chick but by God, even if I am not a fan of his, I will get to my goal weight and size, and yes I know sizes differ and that size does not tell fitness level and such, before my dream wedding. 

Father... fathers.... dad... and all you men types MALE AWARENESS DAY!

I know that you will find hundreds if not millions notes about "fathers." This is going to sort of be one of those.

     Last month on mother's day I heard so many well wishes from people coming through my work. Today it is the young men on my work to get their well wishes. I spoke to one of my friends yesterday and we talked about that neither of had children and for the time being neither of us have children and it all got be to thinking.

     I have thought of the labels that we give people and how they are required to have a "day". Now, I know that we already have so many days celebrating anything for parents to a rodents but why do you have to have a child to get a happy father's day? In fact it should be changed to male awareness day, screw the feminists (I am a feminist people chill I will get to the point) views that it is sexist as we will change mother's day to female awareness day. On these days you thank all of the men or women in your life that have helped you in education, self growth, self understand and have just been awesome in your life!
 
     I read once "having a child does not make you a great person" to add to that VERY TRUE statement,  a great person is the one that mold a person into a well functioning contributor to the world. We that statement I want to thank all the men that helped me grow into a proud happy person that sees more than one side to a story and questions when I am not sure. My strength is my own BUT you all helped me find it thank you!

    Go thank a male in your life no matter if it is your father, brother, uncle, teacher, mentor or even the crazy guy that lives with you even though you get freaking crazy at times!

HAPPY MALE AWARENESS DAY!

Get stupid

"The smarter a woman is the harder it is for her to find a good man." - Unknown

      I just binge listened to The Fault in Our Stars for the second time. As I listened to this sad tale about life I thought of my own story with disease. My story is one I will save BUT I did also think of the amazing intelligence of this novel. I know that there are some that say this is not the way "normal" teenagers speak but I remembered my teenage years and for a long while I did actually speak much like Hazel, I did not have that much wit but I could hold and creative and well-informed conversations. What has changed you may ask. Why did I go from an avid news watcher, current event knowledge center and all-in-all smart woman?
It is two fold the first being simple and the second a bit more complex.

One

 You are the company you keep. 

      In my early years of my teens I was the typical teen worrying about friends, fun and boys. It was very uneventful but as things changed and I lost and gained friends people came into my life that were much more interested in more than boys and the "normal things" and wanted to make a mark in the world, many did. As I fell more into this crowd I wanted to be on the same level and pushed myself to get top grade, know the facts of the day and moments of the year. The people in my helped me move toward finding my voice but the great wave of hormones could only be held back but the levy for so long until they would break down those internal walls.  As this happened I my want to be the best changed into just the want to be liked. Of course there was still a want to do well and still know what is going on in the world around me BUT I found high school boys often are not worrying if their girlfriends can write or talk current events as much as they cared how good they looked perched on their arm and how much it would cost to get them into bed. This is when the decline began.

Two

Silent does not get ridiculed (Often)

     Towards the end of high school I had found that pretending to be dingy was all in good but not the thing for me, really. If a person did not like that I had an opinion and knowledge that was their problem. I followed this train of thought into college until I was almost 19. This golden last year in the teens so many things changed in my life I had lost the strong backing of my family. They had moved and took with them the questions of the goings on in the world. My adopted family often was too burdened about the here and now in our home to concern themselves with others woes. The biggest kicked however was the constant taring down by "friends". My childhood had been quite sheltered and much that had learned was in those short 4(ish) years and I knew that I was not an expert on any subject. Nonetheless I was brought up to the "big leagues" as my boyfriend at the time had had many overly educated friends. I know that if baseball or football came up I would stand a change on being the expect on the subject BUT those never came up. As subjects were tossed around and worked through I found often should I mention anything I got dirty looks, scoffs OR rude corrections that how could I even say something so asinine. These had been people had gone to school in the short years before and thought for some foolish reason that they would kind as they were classified as nerds, intellectuals and brainy honor-roll. This assumption was so wrong as only one person was not condescending to me the simpleton. This is when I found that I would rather be happy in knowing the basics of the world and be happy in my life and forget those that believe but having more awareness about a subject gave them some magic power the be rude to others.

      Now hearing this book I know that I was not the stereo typical teen but there are some that yes spoke and speak like this. I find I do miss having those conversations about transcendent categories. Time has taking that from me but,  I also love the chats and inside jokes I have with my friends and fiance. We may not be the brain trust that will solve all the worlds woes but we have our focuses. Be wise good reader and know that playing is good and fun BUT you never know when someone is really just PLAYING. 

PS The Fault in Our Stars is the work of John Green and I own no rights to it also it is a book I believe all should hear or read. DO IT!

    

BALLS! A rant about today

I am so very tired right now. I love the summer coming BUT the season change and the heat creeping in always kills my energy levels. It really sucks more because I am suppose to be working out and calorie counting. After waking up at noon, barely walking the dog and eating pizza and potato tacos I really have failed my dieting plans. I guess that just means tomorrow 100 extra squats.

A long time back I lost a lot of weight quickly and I just wish I had that drive now. I do want to be healthy and not have to worry about feel like death at night and god damn it I want a flat stomach and not more muffin freaking top. I know I have to do it and there is no magic pill but fucking a my body is working against me and all I want is the little help from it to get going. I know I am not making much sense to the sane and thin but if you get me thank you for understanding the struggle is real.

I am now off the play more minecraft, yes I am also 30 and play mine craft and have built a palace based on Henry VIII's Hampton Court. No need to be jealous people, so a joking.
Night y'all have a good one

Let's said this *****

Hello there! Whoa don't leave, yeah I am talking to you. Now, I know you are like so many other people that has no time to read one more blog but I promise you this will not be that normal beauty or weight loss blog, I already have two of each of those for you if you want. Those blogs are in truth not really where my heart this. I am putting my full heart behind this.
What makes this any different? I know you are longing to know. All of my other online endeavors are censored, I hold back. I seem to hold back that which makes my friends stand me and, dare I say at times, like me. This will be a non-censored blog about just any shit that comes into my mind.  Oh yes, I am going to cuss at times, really short of Kate Middleton what young woman does not cuss. No, no I am not going to cuss like a sailor but it way fall in here and there.
If you want to hear the fun, weird, sad and even shitty stories I am your girl! Here we GO!